I haven’t used Tumblr regularly in quite some time, and I was looking through my drafts when I stumbled on this. I couldn’t tell you how long ago I wrote this, but it’s an incredible feeling to look back on this and how far I’ve come. I quit my job to move to a foreign country which is something I never even dreamed of doing a few years ago. Since then, I have grown into myself and let go of those fears and anxieties. It’s thrilling.
I’ve been sitting here for almost an hour trying to articulate everything that’s been weighing on my mind recently. I’m still not sure what I want to say. Maybe because I don’t quite understand any of it.
I’ve changed so much in the past year or two. I have learned to let go of my anxieties and to jump blindly and trust that everything will be ok. I don’t sweat the small stuff, and if I want to do something - I just do it. No overthinking. No restricting. I’ve really grown in that sense.
At the same time, I am even less sure of myself than ever. I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted to do… who I wanted to be. Now I’m just lost.
I want to be a writer but I hate writing. I want to do nothing and something. I am afraid of failing. I dont know where I’m going with any of this
*I have been in France for over three weeks now, and since I’ve been here it’s been such a blur of activity and moving around. I’ve been meaning to write more, but I honestly haven’t had much time. I will try and do better moving forward. For now, here is a journal entry dated September 25, 2018*
I arrived in France a week ago and already it feels like home. It is crazy to think about everything that has happened so far. I can’t help but be amazed with the beauty of this country and in awe that this is my life now. I am writing this from the home where I am currently “couchsurfing” and it has so far been the coolest experience of the entire trip. When I first arrived at “la maison de bonheur” (the house of happiness), I will admit that I was a little bit unsettled. It is the first time I have ever couchsurfed and here I was in a foreign country with all the belongings I hold dear in the home of strangers I met through the internet. But everyone here has been so welcoming. Emilie, is I think is an anxious person but she is so smart and interesting to talk to. Julie, who is from Germany and speaks english - instantly made me feel at home. Romain is a bit quiet and I haven’t had much of a chance to talk to him in depth. And Morgan, who arrived a day later is possibly one of the most interesting persons I have ever met. All four of them have so graciously welcomed me into their home, made me feel welcome and fed me home-cooked meals - and helped me with my French. When I arrived I was so afraid to speak. Last night, I spoke with Morgan about life and death and the sheer magnificence of the world and our own insignificance and the simultaneous grandeur of human life. It has been an experience I wouldn’t trade for the world.
